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  • Jordan's latest 5.1.09 SHOES is her new favorite word, and a totally new and exciting concept. I've quickly discovered the joy of velcro or elastic straps, as Jordan has no patience for mommy tying her precious little Keds. FISH - she now points at pictures, and the ones in the pond. So cute. YEP - when you ask if she wants to do something, this is generally her response. She also says NO, but usually it is a good natured "Yep". Drums - Jordan has always loved drums. They are her favorite toys. Now, she will pull 4 or 5 of them into a semi-circle around her, and will use 2 mallets to play them all, 3 taps at a time. She is bound to be a famous percussionist. Rocks - Since mastering her walking skills, we let her walk more and more often. Our driveway is gravel, and it is so appealing to her. It's like a gigantic sandbox - we put her down, and she immediately sits and plays with the rocks. She tried to eat one, and it was obviously distasteful, as she spit it out and hasn't tried again. She points out my eyes, ears, nose, and mouth, and says the word for each. What a smart little girl. Have you figured out yet that she is the love of my life, and not only that, but also a genius????

Tales of a Second Timer?

Okay, so I’m not even going to bother apologizing for absence, but after reading the entirety of my year’s worth of blogging, I realized how well it chronicled my life and Jordan’s life at that time – and I need to do it again, for myself, and for my son. So… fast forward from my last Jordan related post, where I think she was about 18 months old – she is now almost 5. I’m still working the same job, and I still love it (most of the time). Enter the picture Drake, our new baby boy, who is almost 4 months old. We live in a new house, moved in when Drake was one month old – 2600 sq ft vs the shoebox we lived in for 6 years. Cobey is still with us, although he now has gray hairs on his chin, and a lot less energy than in prior years. Things have changed a lot. And I am no longer a first timer, but a second timer! And it is interesting how different things are (and aren’t) the second time around.

Pregnancy – I had the same worries and fears (and use of personal doppler because I never lost the need for the reassuring heartbeat). The same fascination with the physical process, and with the bodies of we females; we are TRULY amazing. The same need for as much information as possible, thus the weekly (sometimes daily) analysis of the progression of my condition via every website that seemed to hold a figment of true information. The same overwhelming desire to HAVE THE BABY ALREADY by the time I was a month from my due date. The difference was my ability to sporadically forget about the pregnancy, and sometimes the will to do so, as it was so important to spend as much quality time as possible with Jordan before the baby came. There was also a desire to hold on to how pregnancy feels, to remember the baby’s movements – knowing that it would be the last time my belly would swell and I would actually be happy about it.

Birth – Different in every way! Not nearly as much fear or uncertainty. I had complete faith in the ability of my body to do its job, and let it lead the way. Labor was quite wonderful. I was able to give in to the birthing process and deliver my baby exactly the way that I wanted to, with no pain medication of any sort. It was a dream come true. As was our little man. The only thing that was the same, the second time around, was the awe and overwhelming love for the baby, that is more sudden than can be described.

New Baby – It all came flooding back. But there was a different kind of determination this time. I knew what I wanted to do differently. I was prepared. But then, one can never REALLY be fully prepared for a new baby.

Breastfeeding – The SAME. But different… I knew HOW to do it. I didn’t need the nurse to show me how to latch him on. I didn’t need to be reminded to nurse. I was painfully aware of the challenges to come. But they were different ones… Drake was too sleepy to nurse – it was a challenge just to keep him awake to eat. He had a tongue tie that had to be clipped. He didn’t lose too much weight, as Jordan did, but he also didn’t gain weight. I still have exactly the same fears that he doesn’t get enough milk. I have exactly the same issues with pumping. I still hate my breast pump with a feverish passion. BUT, this time I refuse to let it take over my life. I appreciate the 2 bottles of breast milk I’m able to give him per day, and I am thankful that there is formula to feed him 2 more bottles. Now, we’ll see how often I end up blogging about milk. Honestly, I think I said all that there was to say 4 years ago. It is still a struggle not to be obsessed.

Nothing could prepare me for the challenges of 2 children. But our new home gives us more room to breathe, and BJ has been wonderful. Jordan is the best big sister in the world, I’m convinced, and Drake is thus far an easy baby.
I am a little surprised at how thrilled I am to have a son. There is something special about having a son… Not to take anything at all away from having a daughter… But it truly feels now as if my family is complete. Now we just need a snip-snip for Dadda, to prevent any further happy surprises. We will also try to resist “playing” in other peoples’ camp trailers. 2 trailer babies are enough for any family.

A foggy morning

I LOVE the fog. I can’t get enough of it. A chilly morning with a thick blanket of fog just puts me in the most beautiful state of melancholy goodness. It takes the harsh edges away from everything. It makes even the most mundane views luscious and eerie and soft. I want to go sit quietly, and enjoy the mist on my skin. I want to “hide” in it. Fog is the world slowed down; resistant to waking up and starting a day. It is quiet and still, other-worldly and comforting; and I could stand a lot more of those emotions these days.

Solitary

This weekend I will be ALONE. On my own. Nobody but me – oh, and the dog. It’s quite amazing the rash of emotions that are creating a chaotic conflict within me. I feel the need to list the pros and the cons of said upcoming solitary days.

Cons: Why must I start with the cons? Probably because I always want the bad first, so that things can end on a good note. I’d rather not end with a bad taste in my mouth, even if the cons end up outweighing the pros, at least you hear the good stuff last. Okay – on with the cons.

Cons:
1 – Hubby and I were supposed to be squishing grapes between our toes in a grape stomping competition at the vineyard this weekend. This is the biggest con of all – I’ve been looking forward to this for months – but he decided to crush my dreams and go hunting instead. But I’m not supposed to let this turn into a “bitching at hubby” post, so I’ll get back to the list. He’d better at least bring home some meat.
2 – I’ll be lonely, especially at night.
3 – I’m a paranoid freak who jumps at the sound of the icemaker working when alone at the house at night.
4 – I’ll inevitably find a way to waste this time doing something that I’ll decide later that I should have put off in lieu of something that clearly should have been my priority.
5 – I’ll probably drink too much wine and spend one day with a headache.

Pros:
1 – I don’t have to do ANYTHING that I don’t want to do.
2 – I don’t have to feed anyone but me. I can eat Totinos Pizza Rolls for breakfast, lunch and dinner – or I can spend all day long making a crazy gourmet meal that I won’t have to share.
3 – I won’t have to touch anyone elses poop. BONUS!
4 – I can bask in the sun in my skivvies on the deck and no one has to see me.
5 – I CAN SLEEP LATE – OH MY GOSH, this one must count for at least 5 pros. And 2 mornings in a row!!!
6 – I can shop if I want, for as long as I want – if only I could spend as much money as I want……….
7 – I don’t have to shave my legs. 
8 – I can drink too much wine (did I list that one as a con as well? I think I’ve changed my mind on that one)

Okay – so there are probably more things to go on both lists, but I’m beginning to get excited about the list of pros. It must be because I listed them last.

For my first evening of what I’m going to try and make into alone time bliss, I think I’ll make my own pizza, buy an expensive bottle of wine, and watch a couple of pay per view chick flicks.  I’m liking the sound of this.

What would you do with a whole weekend entirely to yourself?

Questions of the mind of late

Are humans innately greedy?
Why can’t work be eternally stimulating all the time, every day?
Why can’t people give you the praise and credit that you are due?
How can we have so little time to do all of the things that we would love to do?
Can I possibly be getting sick of wine?
Why do we internalize everything and draw conclusions without enough information?
Why do I worry that I’m pregnant every single month?
Why can’t my husband want to do all of the things that I’m most excited to do?
Will there ever be more time in a day?
How can I be all things to all people, and not lose myself in the process?
What’s for supper, stir fry or pizza?
Is it 5:00 yet?

Element

Ever feel like you are in your element? I do right now, though I’m not sure why. My dearest Daddy, the greatest man ever in my life, passed away a month to the day of my last post. Many times I feel lost without him – hopeless, guilty, miserable, angry, and lots of time, just caught up in my thoughts of him. Sometimes it’s easy to forget the tough parts and remember the great times – sometimes I curse my brain for hanging on so hard to the last awful memories, though I know that they aren’t really as awful as I sometimes construe them to be. All of that said, I do feel in my element. Have I been so deep inside of my own thoughts and heart that I have latched on to a part of me that has been neglected? Through my internalizations and self absorbed condition have I managed to find a piece of myself that I’d forgotten? I read Daddy’s words, letter after letter that he sent me in times of my life that were turmultuous. I read them over and over and over again, relentlessly – trying to find meaning for this day; and it is everywhere. Though the issues are past, and the trials have changed, the words are relevant now. And somehow, reading his words saying “I love you”, feel like he speaks to me now. Sitting on the deck today, I found myself saying “why would I ever want to be anywhere other than right here, right now”. When for quite a while I’ve wanted to be in some other space and time, closer to him. But it has dawned on me that I can be as close to him as ever, when I think of him and talk to him, and when I smile and feel the sun warm my face. I tended my garden today. I took my baby to the park and had ice cream with my her and my husband. I made a loaf of bread. And I felt Daddy the whole time. That must mean that he was with me. And that feels more intense than the sun on my face. While I’d rather see his handome face, hear his baritone voice, feel the boom of his laugh and see the crease of his brow, hold his callused hands and wrap his precious neck in my arms – I’ll take the moments that I feel him, and run like the wind with them. Funny how I’m happy today. I hope that sticks around a while.

A letter to my Daddy…

First thing that I need to say, as if you ever doubted it or didn’t know it with your whole heart – I LOVE YOU. So much.

Second thing, I’m so sorry that I’m not there with you. I feel as if I should be, even though you don’t NEED me, and maybe you are more comfortable without your baby there, so that you don’t worry about me as I sit there. Still, I wish that I could just be close to you, to wrap my arms around your neck a time or two. All of that said, my heart is with you, every moment of every day.

I let the grind of work take my worry away – I float along on my day, when I feel as if I could break down, I sink myself into the most complicated issues at hand in the mill, and I manage to escape. I hope that you have found ways to escape as well. I wish that I could take it all away, make it disappear.

The only thing that really brings me peace is knowing that the two other people who love you as much as I do are there with you, even just if they are in the room sitting by you. I hope that you know that I am with you in spirit also.

We will all get through this, and we will all be okay – better even.

Please remember how much I love you, and that I think of you every moment of every day.

I love you Daddy. I’m so sorry that all of this is happening.

My heart and yours, forever………..

I love you so much.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX

A New Year

The last day of 2010. Hard to believe. This year has been full; both for better and for worse. I have no regrets, at least of any real substance.

While in tough times, it is hard to remember to be thankful for the blessings in life. I try to focus on that in my prayers – to ask God to continue to remind me how lucky I really am; because I am lucky.

My Daddy is sick – but I’ve had so many good years to love him – and he isn’t gone yet! There is more of him to be enjoyed!

The economy and the state of our nation is critical – but BJ and I still have jobs, and nothing catastrophic has happened. There is hope.

Our house is small and needs a monumental amount of work – but we are comfortable (if tight), and can afford our mortgage, and have made it a home. We have a roof over our heads, and places to sleep, and eachother.

My family is so far away – but technology allows me to reach out to them and to communicate with them in so many ways, and we take advantage of that. And my husband’s family is here, and I love them as if they were my own.

My daughter can make me want to pull my hair out, and my husband can tork me almost to the breaking point – but I love them both with all of my heart and soul, and I wouldn’t trade them for the entire world.

And what it all comes down to, and that I pray every night for continued recognition of, is that we have our health, eachother, and the means to continue to pursue happiness. That’s what life is all about.

So I will look forward to this next year, and will hope that I can be a better person, and can love even more than I ever have.

I am ready.

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